Death, Lost, Passing, Transitioning, All terms used interchangeably to describe a souls return back to the spirit realm. This topic can be perceived in many ways. Most times it’s avoided in family discussions in American households. I guess I can overstand from that standpoint, How do you bring up something that seems morbid and melancholy? There are so many factors that determine the explanation of death. For starters, Are you an atheist? What are your general spiritual or religious beliefs? Is your personality more of an introvert or extrovert? Do you talk openly about issues as they arise or do you retrieve inwardly and remain quiet?
Well in my household growing up, the idea of talking freely about lost, was null and void. We only dealt with it when a loved one passed and we went to the funeral. During those moments I wasn’t too affected because usually it was a distant relative who was older, or a friend of a friend. I can remember my first personal account with transition of a loved one. I was 25 and it was the middle of summer. July 11th to be exact, I was 29 weeks pregnant, and experiencing many changes. My fashion business was only 3 months new, my guy and I were arguing more over non-sense in hindsight. We were afraid and unsure of how we would raise this new baby on a roller-coaster income, and how we would be able to communicate and interact effectively with one another.
However, in an ironic way we were also excited to be bringing forth life. We had the BEST support of both of our families. Moving along, on the morning of July 11th around 6am I began experiencing cramps or contractions. This was my first pregnancy so I had no idea what to really expect. At the time I knew I wanted to have the baby as natural as possible. So we opted to go to a birthing center. The night before I’d come down to Brooklyn from New Rochelle to stay at my mother’s house. Hiver was at work and we got into a very bad argument the night before. We both just needed a break. It wasn’t until 8 am the following morning that I really begin to feel the contraction a lot stronger and my mucus plug fell out. I begin to panic and cry, on top of this, I was starting to get extremely nauseated and light headed. I ended up passing out on the floor and tried to crawl to the phone to call 911. A few minutes later my niece came in and she immediately called the ambulance. I remember crying and screaming please save my baby Please save my baby.
What I forgot to mention was that 3 days prior to me giving birth, my amniotic sac was punctured and I was leaking fluid. So by the time Thursday rolled around, there was not enough fluid and he was susceptible to infection. The 10 minute ride in the ambulance was the longest 10 minutes I’ve ever encountered. Then, there was more waiting, in some stale, cold room, with a dim light and white coats rushing about. Poking, Prodding, Paging, writing, typing, and God knows what else. I remember my mom talking to the doctor about my insurance. Because of my condition, I had no time to get dressed. So I was brought to the hospital, with some sweat pants an old t-shirt and my hair was all over the place. I was distraught to say the least and in and out of consciousness.
The next room I entered was the delivery room where they were shooting me up with Pitocin, and trying to give me an epidural. But I was resisting with the little energy I had left and my sister who held my hand the whole time, advocated for them to fulfill my wishes and deliver the baby as natural as possible. I recall a different doctor entering the room to check my cervix. She actually used forceps to open me and to try to pull the baby out. I strongly protested for her to cease what she was doing. It was extremely painful. Shortly after that I regurgitated and had a strong urge to push. I kept yelling he’s coming he’s coming. Oh My God it hurts He’s coming. Please get him out, Ouch, it hurts Please”. Within 5-10 minutes and 12 hours of labor Ayie entered the world a room full of flashing lights, loud voices, cries of worry and joy, and bodies of big people in blue uniforms with masks and rubber gloves. I looked over to my sister, eyes full of tears. Is he Ok Tamera” I yelled! I repeated myself. She answered, “Yes he’s okay, he’s Beautiful!” About 5 hours later I got a call to the room that something was severely wrong with our son. That there was a possibility he wouldn’t live. I began to weep like someone stabbed me in the gut. The thought that entered my mind immediately was, I never got a chance to hold him or actually see him alive. They snatched him and whisked him away.
By the time we were able to see him a different doctor gave us Ayie and gave his standard monotone condolences while shoving paperwork for us to fill out. I was too sad to be livid, to really get a thorough overstanding of what occurred. Sadly, I embraced my first and last hug and kiss from our son, and just folded into Hiver and wept some more. They kept me for another week in the hospital. Apparently my health was depreciating as well and I really didn’t care in that moment. I didn’t feel like eating food. Why would I? It couldn’t even get down my throat. I could feel the knots my stomach would make every time I tried to swallow a spoonful of food. There were many people who came to visit during that week. I’ll never forget this patient who’d just given birth around the same time I did. She too miscarried her first child a few months prior and was sent in by one of my nurses to give me some support and encouragement. When I heard her story, I actually got some relief to know that there were other woman who experienced this dreadfulness.
Within 7 days I seemed to be strong enough to discharge from the hospital. I was very thankful to the staff and nurses who took great care of me. Back in the Physical world I immersed back into the daily hustle. Everything sped up 100 times over and I was going to the bank to withdrawal money for the funeral home and to a flower arrangement store to purchase flowers for his home-going service. Although I was not as advanced in the spiritual information that I have access to now, I knew that through my physical pain, his spirit was not gone. That he had returned to the place, the source, of where he emanated. In following with this theory, I asked that everyone in attendance to his service wear ALL white to represent the purity of his spirit and for the cleansing of the family’s emotions around his transition.
Ayie’s service was beautiful, we had singers, a spiritualist who did a full birth chart and astrological reading, we poured Libations, Hiver and I also just spoke and read from our hearts in that moment. Even with all of this, I still felt empty and I longed for his spirit to return through me back into the world. This longing went on for many years until recently with the passing of Hiver. When Hiver passed away in October of 2010, I did not realize how connected I was to both Ayie and Hiver. Though we never got back together, I realized that in ALL of my other pertinent relationships I subconsciously wanted to get pregnant with another boy. Another Ayie to BE… Exact. I longed for the same Love, and treatment that Hiver so effortlessly gave to me even years after our union.
During this time of healing and purging the loss of Hiver, I was in a mental space of staying present, and really giving thanks for ALL that is and exist beyond this Physical realm. Additionally, I met a dear soul, who introduced me to the teachings of his Master Teacher Carolyn Isis Fuqua and the Circles Of Light Ministries. I attended a spiritual circle after reading her book Keys to the Kingdom, which consists of three books in one. I was intrigued to come full circle to the idea of the 7 Universal Laws (The Kybalion). I’d read up some years prior on the laws but not to the extent as I did when I reread it for a 2nd time. Going to these circles, speaking with my dear friend, and reading Isis’s books ALL led me back to the awareness of who I AM and how I CREATE as a Spirit in this body. I begin going into a deep state of self -healing. I begin to comprehend not only with my egoic mind, but with a Christ conscious mind. I begin to go into the depths and core of my heart chakra to gradually un-condition 35 years of projection, guilt, and blame. I really overstood what the old adage “You are my Reflection” and “We are ALL mirrors” meant.
Currently there is more healing every day, and when I feel myself wanting to Judge Harshly, (because I know that I AM not acting in the constructs of spirit but rather a false illusion which is fear) I go back to this awareness “I AM the Image and Likeness of GOD, and therefore nothing associated with spirit or God can BE… faulty, or wrong.” I AM forgiven before any “mistake” happens. In actuality, NOTHING ever occurs by mistake or chance! NOTHING! GOD has already equipped my physical body with every tool and resource needed to BE…
Every way we are made, is done with specific skill and purpose from a higher realm. We are therefore a result of a higher thought manifestation, which in return we create our physical world based upon our free will of thought. Every material matter in the Universe was created by a thought, and therefore we give meaning to our experiences and to these objects which have no real meaning in the GRAND scheme of things. The same way we created a chair, table, built a tall sky scrapper, established a lucrative business or have chosen to give energy to the limiting beliefs of struggle, pain, hard work, is the same way we can recreate something NEW this time using the lenses of GOD/Higher Consciousness and Holy Spirit. These exist within me and every livening being, within the organic fiber of who I/we are as spirits. Before entering into a human body the spirit has a complete AWARENESS of what the hosts unique biological make-up/stories will BE…
This includes our talents, gifts, personality, and overall well-being. As I AM in this awareness, I realize that there are no coincidences, NO ONE is out to get me, Attack me or Harm me, I AM not being punished by GOD ( but by my own ego), and EVERYTHING, EVERY person, experience, encounters have been commissioned by my own thoughts and beliefs in the physical form. To bring this back to my original topic of discussion, although on a human level loosing Ayie, Hiver, and the 4 other miscarriages, were ALL Heart wrenching, on a Spiritual Level, They were Important lessons written in for me to Ascend back to the awareness of my original state of BE…Ing! Transitions, Lost, are ALL reminders 1 that as spirits first, I/ WE CAN NEVER DIE! Death is an illusion, and I/WE must LOVE on, LIVE, on and LAUGH on through the material un-comforts. The goal is not to attach to the illusion. For me (in this moment) in human form as I write this sentence, I see how my ego (OF COURSE) has difficulties with ACCEPTING this truth. Having a lucrative business and a beautiful relationship feels GREAT; So much so I find myself WORKING and DOING more to maintain the “safety” and “longevity” of these things. This is also true for the struggling artist in me that is always hustling to get a quick buck, or worrying that I won’t make the kind of money I desire.
Even more, this thought has crossed my mind a few times before, Will I be able to pay rent and bills. In reality, these thoughts have no meaning or validity at ALL. Just as ALL material things have been created with a thought, so can I choose to think and believe something different from the core knowing of where I extend from as spirit. NO ONE outside of me has control of my experiences, or miracles in this life. With the exception of THE GRAND ARCHITECT Him/Herself which again is the natural source of ALL of humanity.
So again, with this AWARENESS, No Hospital, Doctor, Nurse, Stranger, Government Agency, Family Member, Friend, Co-Worker, and Supervisor DID ANYHTHING to me. These people and things are NOT RESPONSIBLE for the passing of dimensions of Ayie or any other spirits that have temporarily come through my womb.
There is another spiritual dynamic that is partially responsible and that is Karma or the past lives I’ve lived and experienced as well as the story/lesson that my spirit manifested into this physical realm to learn. Like with any game, there are Instructions on how to Play the game effectively and resources available to make the game a bit easier to move through/ play. However, games have an ending, despite how exciting, addictive and luring they are. The impact is completely dependent upon the awareness, openness, and approach of the player. Either way we ALL start out with the same instructions, tools, and information anything after that is created by our own perceptions and moves of what we believe these tools, instruction, and information mean.
Ayie’s transition ( as well as the others) years later in this current moment has me delving into another aspect of my spiritual enlightenment. It has me consciously restoring balance of my ego and spirit so that they both may reach the Atonement. This is how I AM able to find grace, and humor in those things that may appear to be a tragedy! I AM able to overstand fully that going into the “Woe is me victimization” is unhealthy and ONLY PROMOTES stagnation. Simply Put, That is not the goal for me LOVE is at the forefront of EVERYTHING I DO!
As I come to a close, I want to stress, that I AM writing Mostly from my human experiences and being channeled by my Higher Consciousness for the rest. In NO PART do I wish to offend anyone, just allow myself to BE… used to service Gods purpose! What is really at the core is an offering of a different perspective of how we view Transition, and Loss on a human level. I have two dear girlfriends who recently lost their mother and the reaction, strength, and spiritual groundedness they displayed, sparked me to write this blog. I AM also grateful to have these Light Beings as Divine reflections in my life. Regardless, the reader can take what registers in the moment and leave the rest. More Importantly, I AM thanking You ALL for reading, sharing, and Listening.
I LOVE and APPRECIATE every one of you as well as my DIVINE Reflection!
The Holistic Alchemist